“You’re off-grid. You care about the planet. You also care about not rubbing moldy castile soap on your forks and calling it a win. It’s time to build a DIY cleaning arsenal that’s eco-friendly, effective, and just unhinged enough to make you feel superior at potlucks.”
Let’s mix, scrub, and conquer.
🧪 Step 1: The Magical Cleaning Ingredients You Actually Need
These humble heroes make up 95% of DIY cleaners:
- White vinegar – disinfectant, deodorizer, mood killer
- Baking soda – deodorizes, scrubs, neutralizes your sins
- Castile soap – plant-based, gentle, slightly smug
- Borax – boosts laundry, murders mold, controversial in mom forums
- Washing soda – stronger than baking soda, aka baking soda’s evil twin
- Essential oils – for scent, antimicrobial properties, and your witchy aesthetic
- Hydrogen peroxide – natural bleach, kills bacteria
- Rubbing alcohol – disinfects surfaces, also sadness
Extras:
- Lemon juice (stain remover, degreaser)
- Cornstarch (window cleaner thickener, apparently)
- Salt (abrasive, great for scrubs and rituals)
🫧 Step 2: All-Purpose Cleaner That Doesn’t Smell Like Sad Salad
Basic Recipe:
- 1 cup white vinegar
- 1 cup water
- 15–20 drops essential oil (tea tree, lemon, lavender = classic trio)
- Optional: 1 tbsp rubbing alcohol for extra cleaning oomph
Shake in a spray bottle like it’s a margarita.
Use it for:
- Counters
- Fridge shelves
- Sinks
- That weird sticky spot no one admits to making
Pro Tip: Don’t use vinegar on granite or marble unless you want a science experiment that ends in erosion.
🧼 Step 3: Dish Soap That Actually Cuts Grease
Basic Recipe:
- 1 cup liquid castile soap
- 1 tbsp washing soda (dissolved in a bit of warm water first)
- 10 drops lemon or grapefruit essential oil
- Optional: 1 tsp vegetable glycerin for thickness
Shake well. Accept that it won’t bubble like chemical soup—but it will clean without giving your cat a rash.
Note: Castile + vinegar = sad goo. Don’t mix them directly. This isn’t a third-grade volcano project.
🧺 Step 4: Laundry Detergent That Doesn’t Smell Like Regret
Powder Version:
- 1 cup grated bar soap (Fels-Naptha or unscented castile)
- 1 cup washing soda
- 1 cup borax
- Optional: 10–20 drops essential oil
Mix. Store in a container that doesn’t scream “meth lab.”
Use 1–2 tablespoons per load.
Liquid Version: Same ingredients, but cooked in water and cooled to a gel.
Warning: It’s lumpy. Like your homemade gravy. Still works.
🪣 Step 5: Toilet Bombs (The Fun Kind)
These are fizzy, smell nice, and help clean between real scrubs.
Recipe:
- 1 cup baking soda
- ¼ cup citric acid
- 1 tbsp hydrogen peroxide
- 20 drops essential oil (peppermint is refreshingly aggressive)
- Optional: mold into shapes using silicone trays for psychological comfort
Drop in toilet. Watch it fizz. Close the lid and feel superior.
✨ Step 6: Glass Cleaner That Doesn’t Streak or Gaslight You
Recipe:
- 1 cup water
- 1 cup vinegar
- 1 tbsp cornstarch (yes, really)
- Shake well. Spray. Wipe with lint-free cloth or crumpled newspaper like it’s 1992.
Cornstarch absorbs residue and streaks. Magic or chemistry? Doesn’t matter.
🧴 Step 7: Polish, Deodorize, and De-Mildew Like a Champion
Wood Polish:
- ½ cup olive oil
- ¼ cup vinegar or lemon juice
- Shake and wipe. Don’t drink.
Carpet Deodorizer:
- Baking soda + 10 drops essential oil
- Sprinkle, wait 15 min, vacuum like you live in a society
Mildew Spray:
- Equal parts water + hydrogen peroxide
- Spray and walk away. Or scrub, if you’re Type A.
Final Thought
Making your own cleaners is empowering, effective, and just crunchy enough to make you feel like a morally superior gremlin.
Mix carefully. Label things. Don’t put “soap” in a bottle that still smells like peppermint vodka from that one time.
And if anyone ever asks if your house smells like vinegar, just whisper:
“That’s the smell of freedom.”
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