“The forest doesn’t judge, but it definitely listens.”
Mental health is real. Even in the woods. Especially in the woods.
Especially when the solar inverter won’t stop blinking and the goats have organized some sort of insurrection.
So, how do you self-soothe when your nearest licensed therapist is a raccoon named Gary?
Let’s dive into some… unorthodox but emotionally valid solutions.
🗣️ 1. Screaming Into Trees: The Original Sound Therapy
This is free.
This is primal.
This is effective.
Find a sturdy, nonjudgmental tree. (Maples are good listeners. Cedars will whisper back.)
Now:
- Scream.
- Scream louder.
- Scream something oddly specific like “WHY DO THE CHICKENS ONLY LIKE HIM?!”
- Hug the tree afterward for closure.
Congratulations. That’s a session. Your insurance won’t cover it, but moss is soft and accepting.
🪵 2. The Emotional Woodpile: Chop It Like You Mean It
Need to process rage, sadness, or the existential dread of goat ownership?
Split wood.
Each log represents:
- A failed sourdough loaf
- The hole in your only pair of socks
- That time the compost tea exploded in the pantry
Bonus: you stay warm and emotionally regulated.
Try not to imagine your partner’s face on the log. Unless they forgot to close the chicken coop again.
📖 3. Journaling, but Make It Slightly Unhinged
Write it all down. Get it out of your brain and into the notebook you made from recycled feed sacks and regret.
Prompts include:
- “If the solar array had a personality, what would it be?”
- “Things I want to say to the weather”
- “Today I was angry at a spoon and that’s okay”
- “The goats know too much”
End each entry with something you’re grateful for, like “my one spoon,” or “the fact that I haven’t turned into a full-time feral poet.”
Yet.
🔥 4. Burn Something Symbolic (Safely, Probably)
Build a fire. Write down your stressors. Throw them in.
Watch them burn like:
- That toxic mindset
- That failed barter trade
- The memory of trying to make off-grid deodorant
Fire = catharsis. Just make sure it’s contained and not, you know, your home.
👣 5. Long Walks Now Count As Therapy
You know what the old philosophers did when they were sad?
They wandered around outside in robes, thinking deep thoughts and refusing to bathe.
You are now the philosopher.
Your therapy is:
- Walking into the woods until you forget what your problem was
- Talking to birds about your childhood
- Coming back only when you’ve accepted that you can’t fix everything and that’s OK
Optional: whisper your darkest secrets to the moss.
🧠 6. Talk to Yourself (But Cool About It)
You already do this.
We both know it. Let’s just make it intentional.
Start saying things like:
- “Okay, brain, what are we doing today?”
- “That’s a big emotion, let’s not throw the Dutch oven over it.”
- “Good job surviving, you emotional compost pile, you.”
Self-affirmation meets light dissociation. Perfect.
🐐 7. Goat Therapy (Even If They Hate You)
You want comfort. They want oats.
It’s a codependent relationship, and it works.
Pet a goat. Talk to it. Cry into its fur.
Pretend it cares.
It doesn’t. But it’s warm and mostly silent. Unlike your internal monologue.
Final Diagnosis: You’re Doing Weird Therapy. And That’s Fine.
Living off-grid doesn’t mean you don’t have emotional needs.
It just means you’ve had to get creative in addressing them.
So scream. Write. Hug a tree. Cry over onions.
Burn your journal pages and then plant a carrot over the ashes.
You are not broken. You are just very, very tired and full of feelings.
Like the rest of us.
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