“You came here to grow kale, but now you’re having arguments with weather patterns.”
We all start this journey full of idealism.
Fresh air. Freedom. Homegrown tomatoes.
Then, one day, you catch yourself whispering to a squirrel like it’s your co-worker.
Let’s review the unmistakable signs that you’ve crossed over into the magical, mildly concerning land of Too Long Off-Grid.
🌬️ 1. You’ve Named the Wind. And It Has a Personality.
You no longer say “It’s windy.”
You say “Clyde is in a mood today.”
And Clyde:
- Whispers warnings through your chimney
- Knocks tools off your porch when he’s “feeling petty”
- Has beef with your clothesline
This is fine. You’re not crazy. Clyde just needs boundaries.
👣 2. You Refer to Time as “Before the Goat Incident”
You don’t use months anymore. You say things like:
- “That was right after the septic flood but before the beehive rebellion.”
- “We planted the potatoes in the Era of the Great Generator Sulk.”
Your calendar includes phases of the moon, moods of your solar inverter, and that time raccoons broke into the pantry and changed you forever.
🧅 3. You Cry Over Onions. Emotionally.
Not while cutting them. Just… in general.
They’re beautiful. They’re powerful. They store well.
You once made eye contact with a shallot and whispered “You understand me.”
Sometimes, you don’t even cook them. You just… hold them.
🛖 4. You Haven’t Seen Another Human Since the Last Full Moon
And when someone finally shows up:
- You flinch at their Bluetooth
- You stare at their jeans like they’re medieval chainmail
- You offer them a squash like it’s a formal greeting
They mention TikTok. You hiss. You return to your cave.
🐦 5. You Have Strong Opinions About Birds
You know all their names. Not species. Actual names.
You yell things like:
- “Glen! That was MY blueberry!”
- “Tell your wife to stop pooping on my porch!”
- “If Cheryl doesn’t stop nesting in the woodpile, we’re going to have words.”
You’ve written poetry about one of them. You’re not proud. But also… you kind of are.
🔥 6. You Have At Least One Relationship With an Inanimate Object
Examples:
- Your cast iron pan (“Gerald”)
- The woodstove that’s both lover and nemesis
- A rock that “feels emotionally stable” and now holds down your favorite tarp
You have conversations with them. You win some. You lose others.
👕 7. You’ve Forgotten What “Normal Clothes” Feel Like
You’re either wearing:
- A wool sweater made in 1974
- A linen tunic you sewed by hand
- Nothing at all, because you’re “airing out your aura”
And let’s not even talk about underwear. That bridge has long since burned.
🐐 8. You’ve Begun Speaking in Proverbs
When people ask you how things are, you say:
“The well speaks, but only if you listen.”
Or:
“One cannot rush the fermentation of the soul.”
You have become both wise and deeply unnerving.
🌲 9. You’ve Stopped Using Tools Properly
Need to hammer something?
Use a rock.
Need to stir soup?
Use a stick.
Need to insulate a window?
Shove some moss in there and tell it a bedtime story.
You’ve gone full Hobbit with a sprinkle of emotionally unstable Viking.
🧠 10. You Hear the Forest Judging You. And You’re Fine With It.
It’s not paranoia.
The trees remember.
The deer know what you did last winter.
And the wind? Clyde? He still hasn’t forgiven you for overcooking that sourdough.
Final Diagnosis: You’re Gone. And It’s Beautiful.
You’ve left the grid, the city, and probably your grasp on social norms.
But what you’ve gained?
- Deep connection to place
- Wild resilience
- A pantry full of odd preserves
- And conversations with the moon that are honestly very healing
So go ahead. Name the wind.
Talk to your onions.
Ride this spiral all the way down.
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